I feel nothing anymore.

I thought I could do this. I thought it would get better. But each day is harder than the last, and each day I fade a little more. Sometimes I realize how truly lonely I feel. Who is there to talk to that understands me? Crystal. But as much as I want to, she will never see me as someone that matters. I will never be her first choice. I can feel how empty and damaged I truly am still. I thought he could fix me. And he did...just not enough. I still have moments where my skin itches to be hurt, where my first instinct is to inflict harm on myself just to get the feeling out of my veins. I still have days where I can't bear the thought of facing the world. Why should I have to? How am I supposed to live my life, truly enjoy it if I spent most of it tired and hating myself? He helps. He does. He is my anchor to the world, my life outside my brain of torment. I know I would crumble without him....I know I would end. But he doesn't understand most of me. It's foreign and illogical to him and he can't see past that.

I wish I was normal. I wish I was fucking beautiful and perfect. I wish I had changed. But i'm regressing...and I'm falling hard. And I still need her and can never get her again. I will spend the rest of my life trying to replace her.

I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't losing my will, my ability and want to be around people. I'm starting to find too much comfort in the expected silence. It's a dangerous path for a girl who would rather hide than put up with being seen. One day, I fear I won't be able to make myself leave a room at all.

I hate that they don't miss me. I hate that they don't acknowledge me. I hate that we don't even try. Most of all, I can't stand it anymore. I think too much, and it ruins EVERYTHING. My thoughts make it so hard to like myself even just a bit. How can I walk around in a body that is disgusted by its every move?

I miss Chip. I wish he hadn't abandoned me. He released a drawer full of caged emotions when he stopped speaking to me. He made me see that I hadn't changed, not one bit. I was simply just fooling myself. I always fall into that trap of "change," and all I ever do is get worse and worse.

I still remember things during the most random moments. Is it bad that I want to burn some of my memories as though they were paper? Somehow words have a habit of coming back to haunt me. Destroying things seems to be safest way.

I miss you, and I'll always resent you for it. I'm sorry, because you probably expected that.

<3