It made me miss you oh so bad.
I was trying to be honest when I told her that I cared. I was trying to be cold, and detached, but friendly, like a girl who has given up the chase but still wants to try. I was trying to lie through the truth, to show my bitterness and weakness through the clipped words of a failing friendship, but she was too lonely and depressed and I only sounded bitchy.
I just wanted to tell her that I'm tired and that I don't think I can play the game anymore. So much of my past friendships have been based on secrecy and assuming, and I'm tired of the unspoken words and the disappointing wait of stories that will never spill from her lips. It has been almost five years since I graduated high school, and yet I have been stuck in that past since then. I am fucking tired and I want out, and I want to burn it all.
I had a day where I wanted to sink and surrender to the emptiness of my existence. I wanted to drown in my failures and give up the pathetic quest to be beautiful. And it was on that day where I couldn't stand myself, that I remembered how lonely I always am. As positive as I have tried to be for others, it never works for me. I don't believe a word of it. (But I want to).
I just wish she would give me something. Anything. I hate that she leaves me hanging in all of my insecurities, and expects me not to be bitter.
I am a needy girl, and I can't help it.
I just wanted to tell her that I'm tired and that I don't think I can play the game anymore. So much of my past friendships have been based on secrecy and assuming, and I'm tired of the unspoken words and the disappointing wait of stories that will never spill from her lips. It has been almost five years since I graduated high school, and yet I have been stuck in that past since then. I am fucking tired and I want out, and I want to burn it all.
I had a day where I wanted to sink and surrender to the emptiness of my existence. I wanted to drown in my failures and give up the pathetic quest to be beautiful. And it was on that day where I couldn't stand myself, that I remembered how lonely I always am. As positive as I have tried to be for others, it never works for me. I don't believe a word of it. (But I want to).
I just wish she would give me something. Anything. I hate that she leaves me hanging in all of my insecurities, and expects me not to be bitter.
I am a needy girl, and I can't help it.
I feel nothing anymore.
I thought I could do this. I thought it would get better. But each day is harder than the last, and each day I fade a little more. Sometimes I realize how truly lonely I feel. Who is there to talk to that understands me? Crystal. But as much as I want to, she will never see me as someone that matters. I will never be her first choice. I can feel how empty and damaged I truly am still. I thought he could fix me. And he did...just not enough. I still have moments where my skin itches to be hurt, where my first instinct is to inflict harm on myself just to get the feeling out of my veins. I still have days where I can't bear the thought of facing the world. Why should I have to? How am I supposed to live my life, truly enjoy it if I spent most of it tired and hating myself? He helps. He does. He is my anchor to the world, my life outside my brain of torment. I know I would crumble without him....I know I would end. But he doesn't understand most of me. It's foreign and illogical to him and he can't see past that.
I wish I was normal. I wish I was fucking beautiful and perfect. I wish I had changed. But i'm regressing...and I'm falling hard. And I still need her and can never get her again. I will spend the rest of my life trying to replace her.
I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't losing my will, my ability and want to be around people. I'm starting to find too much comfort in the expected silence. It's a dangerous path for a girl who would rather hide than put up with being seen. One day, I fear I won't be able to make myself leave a room at all.
I hate that they don't miss me. I hate that they don't acknowledge me. I hate that we don't even try. Most of all, I can't stand it anymore. I think too much, and it ruins EVERYTHING. My thoughts make it so hard to like myself even just a bit. How can I walk around in a body that is disgusted by its every move?
I miss Chip. I wish he hadn't abandoned me. He released a drawer full of caged emotions when he stopped speaking to me. He made me see that I hadn't changed, not one bit. I was simply just fooling myself. I always fall into that trap of "change," and all I ever do is get worse and worse.
I still remember things during the most random moments. Is it bad that I want to burn some of my memories as though they were paper? Somehow words have a habit of coming back to haunt me. Destroying things seems to be safest way.
I miss you, and I'll always resent you for it. I'm sorry, because you probably expected that.
<3
I wish I was normal. I wish I was fucking beautiful and perfect. I wish I had changed. But i'm regressing...and I'm falling hard. And I still need her and can never get her again. I will spend the rest of my life trying to replace her.
I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't losing my will, my ability and want to be around people. I'm starting to find too much comfort in the expected silence. It's a dangerous path for a girl who would rather hide than put up with being seen. One day, I fear I won't be able to make myself leave a room at all.
I hate that they don't miss me. I hate that they don't acknowledge me. I hate that we don't even try. Most of all, I can't stand it anymore. I think too much, and it ruins EVERYTHING. My thoughts make it so hard to like myself even just a bit. How can I walk around in a body that is disgusted by its every move?
I miss Chip. I wish he hadn't abandoned me. He released a drawer full of caged emotions when he stopped speaking to me. He made me see that I hadn't changed, not one bit. I was simply just fooling myself. I always fall into that trap of "change," and all I ever do is get worse and worse.
I still remember things during the most random moments. Is it bad that I want to burn some of my memories as though they were paper? Somehow words have a habit of coming back to haunt me. Destroying things seems to be safest way.
I miss you, and I'll always resent you for it. I'm sorry, because you probably expected that.
<3
It still happens when you're there.
The emptiness is starting to hit me again, creeping up on me when school hasn't even started yet. Why do I always feel like a failure? I have been on the verge of tears more than once lately, and I am feeling weak and vulnerable to words that usually go ignored. Why am I regressing into my past? Why am I not evolving? It's as though everything that's considered normal is suddenly too much for me. Why do I go through these cycles? How can I explain them? I hate everything then, it all becomes meaningless and annoying and I'd rather hide under a blanket in my room and pretend to not exist and not have to deal with human things like speaking, having an opinion, and doing the wrong things. I'm slipping up and letting this show when I should be fighting it and wearing my best neutral friendly face. How does the rest of the world do it? How do they stand themselves? Is it a secret I'll never know or find?
I wish it mattered. I wish I could fix it but the thought of fixing it with therapy is included in my hatred for all sorts of speaking at the moment. Why would anyone want to listen?
I don't know if I can be normal for anyone. Not for long, anyway. My insecurities always rise to the surface and destroy any progress that I have tried to make every year.
Sometimes I think it's better this way. No one needs to know my downfalls. No one needs to know just how hard it is to let words and feelings slide off from my skin instead of sinking in and helping to destroy me.
No one needs to know that I'm still bitter inside for the things that I can never be.
<3
I wish it mattered. I wish I could fix it but the thought of fixing it with therapy is included in my hatred for all sorts of speaking at the moment. Why would anyone want to listen?
I don't know if I can be normal for anyone. Not for long, anyway. My insecurities always rise to the surface and destroy any progress that I have tried to make every year.
Sometimes I think it's better this way. No one needs to know my downfalls. No one needs to know just how hard it is to let words and feelings slide off from my skin instead of sinking in and helping to destroy me.
No one needs to know that I'm still bitter inside for the things that I can never be.
<3
And we hate things.
My trust in people is constantly fleeting, barely there and always willing to crumble at the slightest failure in communication. When did we become so unaware of others and so involved in ourselves? All I ask if for someone to respond. When I sound desperate, why doesn't anyone answer? I hate having to detach myself from things, bitterness swallowing up any leftover piece of hope. That's the pathetic part...after all this time, I still hope for our friendships to fix themselves and yet they fail me time and time again. I keep having days where I'm overwhelmed by the past that surrounds me. I think about burning all my pictures, I think about giving back her journals, and erasing any trace of what was and how it ended. If I can't fix myself, I can at least destroy the reminders of the mess I made.
I wish either one of us cared enough to try...
I wish either one of us cared enough to try...
There must be something else.
There's a part of me that always tries to act braver than I actually am. I choose to do things, hoping strength will magically appear, despite knowing the stress it causes me, despite knowing the hardships. This is how I got stuck in Driver's Ed, wanting to quit, regretting my impulsive idiocy and wishing I hadn't wanted to be brave. Why did I think I could do this? It terrifies me as much as public speaking, except the latter can't kill me. And it makes me feel like a failure too, like a child who can't ever be good enough.
Today was supposed to be productive but something feels off. I am jealous of my brother and his constant close friends who visit the house day after day...I am jealous of my boyfriend and the same. Because I don't have any of my own, because I hardly do anything worth documenting.
I started sewing and though it calms me and gives me purpose, I can't bring myself to do it all the time. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my sadness, though I know I shouldn't.
Life is to live, and not waste, right? I'm trying to learn that and tattoo it into my brain.
<3
Today was supposed to be productive but something feels off. I am jealous of my brother and his constant close friends who visit the house day after day...I am jealous of my boyfriend and the same. Because I don't have any of my own, because I hardly do anything worth documenting.
I started sewing and though it calms me and gives me purpose, I can't bring myself to do it all the time. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my sadness, though I know I shouldn't.
Life is to live, and not waste, right? I'm trying to learn that and tattoo it into my brain.
<3
Cleansation.
I'm suddenly on a mission to erase my past, to get rid of the words and pictures that haunt me with their hidden memories and repressed feelings. I suddenly want out of this cage that I have constructed for myself from the papers and folders that keep me reminded of who I was and what we used to be. As much as I would want to burn them, tear them, trash them...there's a part of me that will always indulge in the seeing the past unfold. How could I get rid of something that I have not completely forgotten? How could I burn off a piece of my life, as miserable and selfish as it was?
The problem is that I feel so defined by it. It seems that half of my life revolves around what happened then. What would I be without it? Am I a person without the memories? It's ridiculous how I have refused to get close to others simply because they don't know my story, and yet here I am now considering getting rid of the evidence, the documented flaws. There's still my journals of course...there's still my own thoughts, the songs, the movies, the places online. I could never truly forget. There are some days when I simply can't stand the remembering...Shouldn't I be free from the emotional torment? I'll never heal if I don't let it go. I'll never grow if I keep focusing on what went wrong.
High school was horrible and 3 years later, I think I'm finally ready to move on.
The problem is that I feel so defined by it. It seems that half of my life revolves around what happened then. What would I be without it? Am I a person without the memories? It's ridiculous how I have refused to get close to others simply because they don't know my story, and yet here I am now considering getting rid of the evidence, the documented flaws. There's still my journals of course...there's still my own thoughts, the songs, the movies, the places online. I could never truly forget. There are some days when I simply can't stand the remembering...Shouldn't I be free from the emotional torment? I'll never heal if I don't let it go. I'll never grow if I keep focusing on what went wrong.
High school was horrible and 3 years later, I think I'm finally ready to move on.