It still happens when you're there.

The emptiness is starting to hit me again, creeping up on me when school hasn't even started yet. Why do I always feel like a failure? I have been on the verge of tears more than once lately, and I am feeling weak and vulnerable to words that usually go ignored. Why am I regressing into my past? Why am I not evolving? It's as though everything that's considered normal is suddenly too much for me. Why do I go through these cycles? How can I explain them? I hate everything then, it all becomes meaningless and annoying and I'd rather hide under a blanket in my room and pretend to not exist and not have to deal with human things like speaking, having an opinion, and doing the wrong things. I'm slipping up and letting this show when I should be fighting it and wearing my best neutral friendly face. How does the rest of the world do it? How do they stand themselves? Is it a secret I'll never know or find?

I wish it mattered. I wish I could fix it but the thought of fixing it with therapy is included in my hatred for all sorts of speaking at the moment. Why would anyone want to listen?

I don't know if I can be normal for anyone. Not for long, anyway. My insecurities always rise to the surface and destroy any progress that I have tried to make every year.

Sometimes I think it's better this way. No one needs to know my downfalls. No one needs to know just how hard it is to let words and feelings slide off from my skin instead of sinking in and helping to destroy me.

No one needs to know that I'm still bitter inside for the things that I can never be.

<3