It made me miss you oh so bad.

I was trying to be honest when I told her that I cared.  I was trying to be cold, and detached, but friendly, like a girl who has given up the chase but still wants to try.  I was trying to lie through the truth, to show my bitterness and weakness through the clipped words of a failing friendship, but she was too lonely and depressed and I only sounded bitchy. 

I just wanted to tell her that I'm tired and that I don't think I can play the game anymore.  So much of my past friendships have been based on secrecy and assuming, and I'm tired of the unspoken words and the disappointing wait of stories that will never spill from her lips.  It has been almost five years since I graduated high school, and yet I have been stuck in that past since then.  I am fucking tired and I want out, and I want to burn it all.

I had a day where I wanted to sink and surrender to the emptiness of my existence.  I wanted to drown in my failures and give up the pathetic quest to be beautiful.  And it was on that day where I couldn't stand myself, that I remembered how lonely I always am.  As positive as I have tried to be for others, it never works for me.  I don't believe a word of it. (But I want to).

I just wish she would give me something.  Anything.  I hate that she leaves me hanging in all of my insecurities, and expects me not to be bitter.
I am a needy girl, and I can't help it.